Darkness. Only the subtlest senses of touch and smell truly alive. Distorted swells of sound making its way through the deafening silence. A sweet, fruity smell emanating from beside me. The comforting warmth of a familiar figure – even more than familiar. The world seemed to close in on me as the proximity between us increased. The anticipation grew with every passing millisecond. My body was ready with its surplus supplies of dopamine and testosterone. Everything else was background now. All that mattered was that figure inching increasingly closer, threatening to shatter all sensibilities of emotional and physical space. Air no longer seemed abundant. The mundane no longer mattered. In fact, nothing at all mattered. Nothing, except the growing sense of ecstasy in my heart and that soft touch of the softest set of lips in the whole wide world.
Category / Feelings & Experiences
There was he, and there was she – Thoughts on Silver Linings Playbook
Marriage. Something way complicated. Way more complicated than being in love. Anything can happen. There’s no guarantee. No sure shot at happiness. A blind leap of faith. A jump into a void. You’re not sure what the other person is going through. You desperately try to help them. You can’t find it in you to take care of yourself, let alone your significant better. Sure, you could end up having a splendid one. Other times, it could break you. Put your sanity to question. Your life gets entwined with the other person’s so much you can’t imagine your life without them. They become part of your routine. Part of your stories. They become you. And when the worst, the most dreaded happens, you’re never quite prepared for it. You lose all control. You start questioning yourself. You go nuts. You can’t quite take in what had happened. You don’t believe it. You start yelling. You start conflicting. The pain is too much. Hell takes over. You start doubting everything. You are scarred for life. Things somehow feel like they’re never going to be the same again. You scream at the inhumane injustice of life.
______________________________________________________
On one hand, a new marriage. A young love. Things are going good. But somewhere out of the blue, the devil that is depression hits her. The mad love-making comes to an abrupt end. He wants kids. She’s still trying to figure out her life. One day, after work, he decides to get her a little something to bring back the spark. A perfectly noble intention. On the way back, he gets hit by a car while having stopped to help someone with a flat tyre, and dies. Just like that. How would she even react? Why had it have to happen? They could’ve found a way. They were good. They were in love. Just why? She didn’t deserve it. All she needed was a caring shoulder. All she needed was love.
On the other hand, a moderately young marriage. But things certainly weren’t in place. Complaining, fights, arguments. Wanting the other to change. Desperate attempts to mend a disarrayed marriage. He tries hard to make it work. She finds solace in another guy. One day, the husband comes home to find them showering together. In a fit of outrageous rage, he starts beating up the guy, severely injuring him. He is admitted into a mental facility, only to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety issues.
Months pass. He is brimming with positive energy by the time it’s time for him to get back to his life. He has this whole new game-plan of being positive and getting in shape, to win back his wife. His parents tell him she had sold their house and that she might not return. His psychiatrist tells him to be ready for the worst. He has his occasional bipolar bouts. But he does not lose hope. He wants to believe in happy endings. He believes everyone has a chance at a silver lining, if they give it their all.
Meanwhile, she wasn’t doing so great. After the suffering had ended, emptiness had crept in. She yearned for company. She made herself an easy target. She started substituting the fleeting highs of coital pleasure for the compassion of love. It cost her her job. She was on the highway to destruction.
It was fate that she met him at a dinner one day. Seeming awkwardness. You know how they say you can’t really describe how you fall in love with someone. Like, how it just happens. It’s just you and your raw gut feeling of incredible attraction, and the other person. Something along the lines of this happened. It was evident in her eyes, if only for a split second. A slight gasp. A mild widening of the pupils. But he, on the other hand, is terrified. Terrified of what he’s feeling towards this woman he’d just met. Terrified whether his love for his wife was true. Terrified of the consequences this encounter might bring about. But in the end, all they had to do was hold on. Because that’s what it took to find happiness once more.
You and I
The flawless night sky,
Stretching into the horizon
The cool breeze,
Carrying with it stories untold
90’s Rahman playing in the background,
Setting the perfect mood
Half-finished glasses of Johnnie Walker, a beautiful gold,
Glistening in the moonlight
Perched at a safe elevation, two silhouettes,
Legs dangling in the air
An easy bonding, breezy conversations,
Countless tales unfold
A tear or two, the pain that wasn’t deserved,
Excruciating at times, bearable at others,
Empathy rejoiced
A reassuring smile broke through, another grateful one followed,
Chests were cleared,
One shoulder, two heads.
Moments re-enacted, feelings revisited
Passions talked about, musings mused
Warmth prevailed
The night wore on, our youths shone bright
Our never-ending dreams, our unrelenting souls
It was just us,
Only you,
And I.
There’s this other girl…
I’m feeling warm. I’m not stressed out or anxious. I feel good. I’m feeling new feelings surface for this girl. Devoid of any sexual or romantic underpinnings. I just feel warm when I think of her. There’s something really nice about her – her thoughts, her words, her actions. Her. She has this incredibly warm outlook of the world. And I find that really inspiring. I’m sensing a good chemistry and I think that she thinks I’m not half-bad. I hope things run their natural course and she starts liking me the same way I like her. I feel like I’m caught up in her spell, reminding me to love life. She’s not the prettiest girl around, but this is not about looks. It’s about her. The beauty inside her. I hope she feels comfortable with me soon. I desperately hope all this is not just a haze and that it means something. I’m writing this after midnight on Internals day. But I’m feeling good. So why not? I also hope no misleading feelings of love or lust spoil this. I just want to be in her presence, be able to be myself, just be. And I hope she’d come to feel the same way. I don’t want to disturb her or intrude her privacy. I don’t want to care about her friends. I just want to be her friend. Just two human beings. I want to show her around Pondy – show her where I grew up in, sit next to her by the rocks on the beach, holding her hand. And wondering. Wondering about all the beauty that life holds.
So there’s this girl…
Caught between my own delusions and the thick veil of awkwardness that had come between us, what do I do? Do I just let you go? Or do I pursue my heart, to find out whether you are, in fact, what I’d imagined you to be?
Is it me? Is it someone less damaged you deserve? Someone a bit more balanced, perhaps? Someone with better looks? Surely, not ONLY that. You definitely seem way more than that. Do I have my head in the clouds? Am I caught up in a dream? You’ve held my fantasy from the word go. No, not just your charming looks. It goes more than that. A lot more than that. You’re not just pretty. You’re phenomenal. The company you choose to surround yourself with though, still boggles me. Surely, you’re way more sophisticated. I would love to have the opportunity to discover whether my fantasies would indeed be proven true. Would you welcome me with open arms, if at all, after all that’s happened?
Sure, this could be dismissed as the typical college crush. But it’s not often that you see the person you thought existed only in your dreams, in real life. Maybe our lifestyles wouldn’t match. Maybe we wouldn’t see eye to eye on everything. Maybe we would drive each other crazy. But I would just like to find all that out. I’d tried convincing myself you weren’t the right one, and had almost succeeded. But now, as I realize my days spent with you are drawing to an end, I would sure love to know that for a fact. Yeah, I’m not desperate for you. Life’s not gonna end without you. But, I sure as hell don’t wanna end up on one of those days, dwelling upon what could’ve been, as I listen to this…
Well, hello there, pal!
And today, I hope. I continue to hope, somehow hoping to conquer my inner and outer demons. It feels frail, the hope. But it’s definitely out there. And I’ve got to acknowledge its presence. I mean, I’ve just got to. I feel I’m up for it… for everything. I do. But, am I? Well, hello there, hope!
A Promenade on the Beach
I see families chit-chatting, young couples holding hands, old couples fondly discussing tales of their youth, children playing animatedly – like I once used to, fathers playing actively with their kids, tourists having a gala time – easily noticeable from their liberal holiday attire, groups of friends effortlessly bonding, determined walkers, and finally people like me, who come just to reflect on their lives and have a relaxed evening.
With the pleasant taste of caramel popcorn still lingering in my mouth, I consciously end my stroll as the soothing sound of the waves beckoned me towards it. I couldn’t hold it any longer; I went up to the rocks separating the sandy path from the sea and nimbly helped myself on one. The aura of familiarity instantly welcomed me and put my mind at ease. What magic is it that this unending stretch of water holds, with its ceaseless waves daring to attack me, its friendly breeze caressing me with its soft touch, and that ever so mild note of petrichor?
The gentle splashing sound of the waves gradually hit a crescendo as they lashed out with all their might against the rocks – from a baby’s feeble laughter to an opera singer’s majestic high, and then back again. I found myself totally giving in all my senses to this tryst with nature. As I traced the waves to their origin, all I could see was the soft moonlight glistening on the swaying water and the lonely lights of a few distant ships far, far away. As I continued to gaze at the sea, it seemed to be drawing me into some kind of a trance. I kept looking at it for a while before I reluctantly turned away to look at the source of light itself – the brilliant full moon, glowing in all its grandeur. The eerie clouds, looming all over, looked oddly spooky in this setting; they could almost be the spirits of all the dead people, for all. But they just had to be there to complete the most picture-perfect canvas. I marvelled for the first time in my life, how intensely bright the sun’s light had to be, to be reflected back from the moon. I tried drawing a picture of how far the moon would be. But it was an exercise in futility – I was only left to wonder.
Now, one thing was missing though – music. As I put on the track ‘Yellow‘ by Coldplay and the lyrics ‘Look at the stars, look how they shine for you…’ hit me, everything reached a whole new high. I was soaring high in the sky. It was the perfect moment. The result – gooseflesh and a heightened sense of inner calm – such a welcome distraction from this bourgeois life. I would almost go to the extent of calling this a spiritual experience, transcending all humanly emotions. As I turned to my right, a few dim lights exposed the jetty, jutting into the sea; I have vague childhood memories of collecting seashells with my dad here, on the sand nearby.
Taking a break from all this splendour, I turned behind only to witness my eyes being confronted with the usual sight of people going about their business, which dulled starkly in comparison. I looked again to my front and boom, I was redrawn into this magical world. Ah, life. You leave me speechless. As the first pangs of hunger began to take over me, I glanced above to see the spirits, I mean, the clouds, moving – they had covered the moon, shrouding all its untold mysteries. I guess it was time for me to go; the skies themselves had spoken. I had also promised Mom I would be back home for dinner; and heck, she even called at the same exact moment. I gave one last loving look at the sea as I bid adieu, and strolled to the parking, the aftermath still clinging tight to me and making me feel all light. The Promenade beach(aka Rock beach) will always be my favourite destination in Pondy, the place I go to for peace, and to draw inspiration from. One definitely has to experience this sensory treat at least once in their lives.
A Sight into My Psyche 