Author / Shiva Sharan

by Shiva Sharan

I want to…

I want to know how you’d touch me,

I want to know you’d feel me,

I want to know how your breath would feel on my face, when you’re caught between two worlds, waiting to make a move, almost done fighting the urge

I want to know how your hands would feel me, as you’d brush your lips against mine, a fiery tension and a Godly gratification embracing each other

I want to feel the life surging through your veins, as you’d take me with your all-indulging desire

I want to feel your flesh tingling, as my hands make their way through you, igniting centres, previously unfathomable

I want to feel your ever-slight tremble, as I let myself touch you, the mere grazing of skin enough to make breathing just not so easy

I want to hear your fading moan echo in my ears, as we let ourselves into uncharted terrains, all the suppressed unquiet unfurling

I want to know if you want me the way I want you.

by Shiva Sharan

To new beginnings

Begin Again – Friendship. Love. Relationships. Music. Lost stars.

You’re an estranged music producer. Your life falls apart when your marriage doesn’t pass a trial. You’re someone who likes to write and sing songs in your bedroom. Your rockstar boyfriend leaves you.

An endearing friendship ensues.

Favourite clips:

That moment in life when you take that fall, that deadly blow to your face, just when you seemed to have it all figured out. That moment when hope runs thin and you’re desperately looking for something to hold on to. And one day, out of the blue, that something makes it sly appearance. You almost don’t notice it at first. But it’s out in the open. A slight easing of the senses, and it has your wonder. You sit up and take notice. You’re curious. You’re eager. You start imagining all the wondrous possibilities. It has the potential to be something genuinely beautiful. Feelings of elation course through you and you smile like a fool in your drunken stupor. It has completely taken over you. Your moment of salvation has arrived.

 

 

 

 

Dan: That’s what I love about music.

Greta: What?

Dan: One of the most banal scenes is suddenly invested with so much meaning! All these banalities – They’re suddenly turned into these… these beautiful, effervescent pearls. From Music.

Dan: This moment is a pearl, Greta.

Greta: It sort of is, isn’t it?

Dan: All this has been a pearl.

 

 

by Shiva Sharan

Dog days are over

As loneliness starts creeping in, I’m starting to doubt my own being and the very fabric of human interaction. How does the whole system of friendships and relationships work when you’re supposed to be on your own and have an iron will and mental strength. Why don’t the people I like reciprocate my feelings? Am I naturally unlikeable? And what if they do? What difference does it make really? I mean, why am I not just able to find the will to go on within myself? Why do I need other people for that? Is it just a feigned interest to get caught up in other people’s lives, as an excuse to take a break from one’s own? Or is it the sorry good feeling I get when I project myself and my dreams a hundred times more exciting as they really are? Is it some form of acceptance I crave, from any person really? What else? What is it then? I wouldn’t mind getting back on the dating horse right now. Life’s real lonely.

by Shiva Sharan

Do you not miss me?

I know I shouldn’t be thinking of you. But yet I am. Why am I in such a daze? How are you doing? What have you been up to? How’s life? Meet anyone interesting? Are you able to get by? Do you not miss those endless arguments? Tell me. Tell me everything. I want to know it all. I’m sorry I put you through hell. Is this the end of it all? Do we meet no more more? Are our lives no longer entwined? Was it not meant to be? Was it all for nought? Was the bond we shared all a lie? Do you not miss me?

by Shiva Sharan

Nothing, except…

Darkness. Only the subtlest senses of touch and smell truly alive. Distorted swells of sound making its way through the deafening silence. A sweet, fruity smell emanating from beside me. The comforting warmth of a familiar figure – even more than familiar. The world seemed to close in on me as the proximity between us increased. The anticipation grew with every passing millisecond. My body was ready with its surplus supplies of dopamine and testosterone. Everything else was background now. All that mattered was that figure inching increasingly closer, threatening to shatter all sensibilities of emotional and physical space. Air no longer seemed abundant. The mundane no longer mattered. In fact, nothing at all mattered. Nothing, except the growing sense of ecstasy in my heart and that soft touch of the softest set of lips in the whole wide world.

by Shiva Sharan

There was he, and there was she – Thoughts on Silver Linings Playbook

Marriage. Something way complicated. Way more complicated than being in love. Anything can happen. There’s no guarantee. No sure shot at happiness. A blind leap of faith. A jump into a void. You’re not sure what the other person is going through. You desperately try to help them. You can’t find it in you to take care of yourself, let alone your significant better. Sure, you could end up having a splendid one. Other times, it could break you. Put your sanity to question. Your life gets entwined with the other person’s so much you can’t imagine your life without them. They become part of your routine. Part of your stories. They become you. And when the worst, the most dreaded happens, you’re never quite prepared for it. You lose all control. You start questioning yourself. You go nuts. You can’t quite take in what had happened. You don’t believe it. You start yelling. You start conflicting. The pain is too much. Hell takes over. You start doubting everything. You are scarred for life. Things somehow feel like they’re never going to be the same again. You scream at the inhumane injustice of life.

______________________________________________________

On one hand, a new marriage. A young love. Things are going good. But somewhere out of the blue, the devil that is depression hits her. The mad love-making comes to an abrupt end. He wants kids. She’s still trying to figure out her life. One day, after work, he decides to get her a little something to bring back the spark. A perfectly noble intention. On the way back, he gets hit by a car while having stopped to help someone with a flat tyre, and dies. Just like that. How would she even react? Why had it have to happen? They could’ve found a way. They were good. They were in love. Just why? She didn’t deserve it. All she needed was a caring shoulder. All she needed was love.

On the other hand, a moderately young marriage. But things certainly weren’t in place. Complaining, fights, arguments. Wanting the other to change. Desperate attempts to mend a disarrayed marriage. He tries hard to make it work. She finds solace in another guy. One day, the husband comes home to find them showering together. In a fit of outrageous rage, he starts beating up the guy, severely injuring him. He is admitted into a mental facility, only to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety issues.

Months pass. He is brimming with positive energy by the time it’s time for him to get back to his life. He has this whole new game-plan of being positive and getting in shape, to win back his wife. His parents tell him she had sold their house and that she might not return. His psychiatrist tells him to be ready for the worst. He has his occasional bipolar bouts. But he does not lose hope. He wants to believe in happy endings. He believes everyone has a chance at a silver lining, if they give it their all.

Meanwhile, she wasn’t doing so great. After the suffering had ended, emptiness had crept in. She yearned for company. She made herself an easy target. She started substituting the fleeting highs of coital pleasure for the compassion of love. It cost her her job. She was on the highway to destruction.

It was fate that she met him at a dinner one day. Seeming awkwardness. You know how they say you can’t really describe how you fall in love with someone. Like, how it just happens. It’s just you and your raw gut feeling of incredible attraction, and the other person. Something along the lines of this happened. It was evident in her eyes, if only for a split second. A slight gasp. A mild widening of the pupils. But he, on the other hand, is terrified. Terrified of what he’s feeling towards this woman he’d just met. Terrified whether his love for his wife was true. Terrified of the consequences this encounter might bring about. But in the end, all they had to do was hold on. Because that’s what it took to find happiness once more.

 

by Shiva Sharan

A matter of the head

To live inside your head, what a terrific boon that would be

To live inside your head, where the grass is always green

To live inside your head, just a slight manipulation it would involve

To live inside your head, where the heart is content and troubles not heard of

To live inside your head, on your face—ever a smile

To live inside your head, where you are king and get to control everything

To live inside your head, ecstasy all the while

To live inside your head, a dream so fragile.

 

 

by Shiva Sharan

You and I

The flawless night sky,

Stretching into the horizon

The cool breeze,

Carrying with it stories untold

90’s Rahman playing in the background,

Setting the perfect mood

Half-finished glasses of Johnnie Walker, a beautiful gold,

Glistening in the moonlight

Perched at a safe elevation, two silhouettes,

Legs dangling in the air

An easy bonding, breezy conversations,

Countless tales unfold

A tear or two, the pain that wasn’t deserved,

Excruciating at times, bearable at others,

Empathy rejoiced

A reassuring smile broke through, another grateful one followed,

Chests were cleared,

One shoulder, two heads.

Moments re-enacted, feelings revisited

Passions talked about, musings mused

Warmth prevailed

The night wore on, our youths shone bright

Our never-ending dreams, our unrelenting souls

It was just us,

Only you,

And I.

 

 

 

 

by Shiva Sharan

There’s this other girl…

I’m feeling warm. I’m not stressed out or anxious. I feel good. I’m feeling new feelings surface for this girl. Devoid of any sexual or romantic underpinnings. I just feel warm when I think of her. There’s something really nice about her – her thoughts, her words, her actions. Her. She has this incredibly warm outlook of the world. And I find that really inspiring. I’m sensing a good chemistry and I think that she thinks I’m not half-bad. I hope things run their natural course and she starts liking me the same way I like her. I feel like I’m caught up in her spell, reminding me to love life. She’s not the prettiest girl around, but this is not about looks. It’s about her. The beauty inside her. I hope she feels comfortable with me soon. I desperately hope all this is not just a haze and that it means something. I’m writing this after midnight on Internals day. But I’m feeling good. So why not? I also hope no misleading feelings of love or lust spoil this. I just want to be in her presence, be able to be myself, just be. And I hope she’d come to feel the same way. I don’t want to disturb her or intrude her privacy. I don’t want to care about her friends. I just want to be her friend. Just two human beings. I want to show her around Pondy – show her where I grew up in, sit next to her by the rocks on the beach, holding her hand. And wondering. Wondering about all the beauty that life holds.